A Warm and Personal Greeting to Kim Jong Un

In the year 2007 this shot was taken by Telluride Watch freelance writer Amy Levek. It shows an errant fireworks volley exploding in the crowd at Town Park, Telluride, Colorado, on July 4. The point is, Kim Jong Un, this is what Americans do to their own people. Imagine what they could do to you.

Regarding your gift to the "American Bastards," that is your firing of one ICBM,

 now no longer serviceable,

 that you dumped into the sea

 like a one-shot Roman candle

 on the Fourth of July.

Thank you for doing that.

Such a wonderful offering.

Such a gift.

It must have cost you trillions.

Your people are so generous.

They starved themselves for this.

Didn't they?

No?

Well then, let me tell you a little story.

When I was a lad I used to have a recurring dream.

Some kind of hideous creature would crawl from out from under my bed and scare me.

This being, who when I think about it looks a lot like you, would not go away.

Then when I got older I had an idea.

I decided the next time I saw this phantom in a dream I would beat the shit out of it.

And you know what?

I never had that dream again.

I wasn't scared anymore.

But let's get down to some verifiable details.

North Korea's spy agency, Unit 180, has been fucking with our shit for quite some time now. And I remember seeing all kinds of bad stuff about you during the old days of Cryptome.org in 2000, when I was senior editor at Access Internet Magazine. It's hard to find much about that deceased publication now. Other than what I have written myself.

Vanished from the face of the Earth. Which is something for you to think about, Great Leader.

Second, for mysterious reasons I cannot explain, this little tune, "Hawk on the Hill," became a slight hit in China.

I got no pay for that.

Don't mind too much.

I did before. But not right now.

Since it was my offering, my sacrifice, while I was practically starving, too, during the Great Recession.

Three: There's a very good chance this song, with the one line to a trippy beat, "Knock that hawk down offa da hill," is still in possession of some folks on your side of the world, perhaps even members of your starving population.

So here we go, the nut of this message.

One, America does not waste its nuclear weapons by dumping them into the sea.

Two, America is in possession of post-stuxnet computer software than can pretty much melt your inferior technology down in less time than it takes to send this message.

Three, and this is a big one: America does not want to wipe you, your country, or your people off the face of the Earth.

Americans are good people and would prefer not to do that.

Four: There is a very good chance there are members of your own circle, most certainly members of your own society, who think you are a raving mad lunatic hell-bent on nothing more than spreading bottomless, baseless fear and, of course, total self-destruction.

So this one goes out to you, the people of North Korea, members of the inner circle, as well as Unit 180, who all must have better things in mind for their own lives than to die for you. So rise up. Rise up, North Korea. Knock that hawk down offa da hill.

And if they don't do that, because they likely won't, since they are all brainwashed since birth, then I have no other choice than to demand you immediate surrender.

Then you can join the world of rational nations (OK, OK just nations) and live in relative peace (Augh!) ... well, keep existing for the time being.

Namaste.

A Russian satellite crashing to the Earth. Now that's a fireworks display!